2014年6月大学英语四级第一套作文求批改

题目是外国朋友来你的家乡玩,你会带他去哪里,为什么.

I'mfromaverybeautifulcity,ZhouShan,itbesidetheEastChinaSea.

Ifmyforeignfriendiscomingtovisitmyhometown,Ithinkhewilllovethecity.I'lltakehimtothePutuoMountain,agreatnumberofpeoplecometothemountaintocallonBuddhaseveryyear.Zhujiajianisalsoagoodplacetovisit.Hecanseethevastsea,fabulousfishermenpaintings,andwhat'smore,deliciousseafood,likecrabs,fishes,etc.Allofthemareveryfresh,Ithinkhewillbefondofthem.AndmaybeI'lltakehimtotheHaishanPark.Itisahistorictouristattraction.TherewasawarbetweenthegovernmentoftheQingDynastyandthebritishgovernment.Intheotherword,ithadseentheOpiumWarsmanyyearsago,andthenpeoplebuilttheparktohonorthedeadsoldiers.

Hecaneatdeliciousfood,seabeautifulviewsandhonorthehistory,itwillbeafunnytourist.

请帮我指出这篇作文的不足和错误,提一些建议,